Friday, November 30, 2012

The Season of Anger

When I was a child Christmas was my favorite time of year. I liked the decorations, the snow (when I lived in Kansas and Ohio), the food, almost everything. For the last several years this has not been the case. Now Thanksgiving to Christmas through January is a drag. It is my least favorite time of year. Almost every year, my grandma comes to visit and my dad and brother do very little to help take care of her. They abandon my mom to deal with her alone.

My grandma is not the type to sit still. If she is not worrying about what the rest of the meals for the day will be, she has to find a project to do. She will sweep the floor, even if it was just swept a day or two ago. She has to worry about the napkin holder on the table getting low, even though there are still enough napkins for a few more meals. She cleans the stove after every use. If there are any leftovers in the fridge that could be put in even a marginally smaller container, she has to drag the container out, move the food, and then wash the former container. Some days she insists on cleaning the fridge as well. For my grandma there is no such thing as good enough, everything has to be perfect or it is horrible. She will work herself to death over the smallest of things.

It is so frustrating that my dad and brother who have known my grandma for over 30 years do not understand this about her. At least if they do, they are not doing anything about it. Instead they hide in the furthest part of the house and waste their lives on in front of computers. They run away like little children. While I strongly disagree with my grandma's ideas about cleaning and preparing food, I accept that she is 93 years old and not about to change. I try to help out by anticipating her next moves and beating her to them. If there is stuff on the shelves of the fridge, I will clean it up before she sees it. If the microwave is dirty, I clean it. If the laundry room is dusty, I will clean it. If the sugar is running low by her standards, I will fill it up. If there is food to be made or warmed up, I start doing it my way (using this great invention called the microwave) before she pulls out a pot and warms up everything on the stove (and then cleans the pot and stove).

This is the season of anger for me. I would estimate that of the 30 moments that I get the angriest in an average year, 27 of them happen around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and January. It is a minor miracle I have not yelled at anyone or broken anything (maybe if I did people would understand how destructive their inaction is on me).

I am not in a happy mood. I do not want to decorate the house. I do not want to bake a dozen different types of cookies. I do not want to send people emails. I do not even want to get out of bed in the morning. The things I have to look forward to are smaller than the work, aggravation, and frustration I have to put up with. This is what it has been like for the last few Christmas seasons. All of the other "adults" in the house go missing when they are needed the most.

However, there was a year when my grandma did not visit. Instead, my two cousins and their parents from Sweden came for a visit of over a month. In that time, they stayed in my parents' house (which meant I had to vacate my room and sleep in a closet), visited almost every theme park and tourist sight in Southern California on my dad's dime, sat in their rooms (my room to be exact) between meals (even downloaded some junk to my computer, including a virus), expected us to make all of their meals, did not help with any of the cleanup, ate all the donuts we bought the night before when they get up early (without a thought that other people might want some), and bought untold amounts of M and Ms at Wal-Mart. Since they were here for Christmas, my dad bought them many great gifts, as if paying for their plane tickets and entertaining them for over a month was not enough. They were bad house guests who acted entitled to a lot of things without working or paying for them. Which is exactly the way my dad has trained them to act over the last few trips they have taken to America.

The more I think about everything the angrier I get. This is not a joyous season for me.

The actions of my family at this time of year bring out the worst in me. I do not like the way I start acting because of them. I do not want to be angry and I have to work every hour to be patient.

Disappointment
From the above situation as well as other things I am disappointed. I am disappointed with the choices I have made that have brought my life to its current state. None of them were conscious choices, but inactions and omissions. Sometimes I let bad luck or a genuinely poor situation be an excuse for not trying hard enough. Sometimes I compared myself to the worst situations of people I knew and told myself, at least I am doing better than them. A few times I let myself settle for tiny steps in the right direction instead of taking strong action.

If I had worked harder applying for jobs I might be employed now. Or, if I had worked harder in my classes I would have raised my GPA more and be a full time student by now. If I had surrounded myself with different people they might have motivated me to make something of my life sooner. The ifs of the past are only good if they help me make better choices today.

This is not the life I want. I am sad, disappointed, and fearful I am wasting my life.

I know some of you will say things like "you have made so much progress in other areas of your life," "you are always doing something interesting," or "you have turned your life around a remarkable amount in the last year and a half." All of those things are true. However, it is difficult to remain positive and push forward when I have to deal with the situations I do every day.

Friday, November 23, 2012

What is your address?

All of my ideas for posts lately have been sad and depressing. They are full of things I am angry about or ways I think I have failed. However, I do have a good idea below.

For the last few years I have been sending out Christmas cards. This is great because the post is under-appreciated and receiving letters is something people like. They have an old-fashioned feel. These are not cards to my family, but to my friends. I have met some great people and I do not want to lose them.

This year there are a few things I want to change. I need to reevaluate the list. There are people I want to add. These are people I should have contacted a few years ago to get their mailing addresses. Then there is a grey area. These are people I care about, but do not think they care about me beyond someone they randomly know from something a few years ago.

The good news is you can help me sort this out. If you are reading this (and actually know me), send me an email or Facebook message with your mailing address. I will add you to the list. Even if it is the same as last year, drop me a line saying "I am still on La Brea Lane" or "I am waiting on Woodbriar when not on call."

Several people I know have moved in the last year. This is me asking for your new address.

If you send me a message by Monday December 17th, I will send you a Christmas card for 2012. This is also a survey of sorts to see who is reading my blog. I have been an inconsistent publisher this year, so do not feel bad if you are an inconsistent reader.

In general, I do not send out cards to people I know from high school who live nearby. If you are in this group and think I should, send me your reasoning.

Comments on Family
This week my second cousin was visiting. He flew in with my grandma and stayed for a day before taking a bus to Las Vegas. My brother and I showed him some of the Orange County sites and had a great time.

After seeing extended family at weddings and different visits in the last couple of years, I am deciding which of my relatives I want to get to know better. Specifically, which of my cousins (including second cousins) I want to build relationships with and which ones I will not actively try to stay in contact with. I am thinking about who I would go out of my way to see on a trip if my parents were not making the plans.

None of my extended family live nearby. They are in Colorado, Indiana, New York, Sweden, Michigan, Ohio, Georgia, Wisconsin, and some other places I am not sure of. I do not want to drop any of my cousins like they are horrible people (maybe one or two of them), but I am not equally excited about hearing the latest happenings of all of their lives.

I am also going for quality over quantity. It is better if I can be close with two or three of them, instead of knowing six or seven a little better than I do now.

In case I did not say it clear enough earlier, send me your address now! I have cards that need addresses.

Monday, November 12, 2012

On the up?

I want to say things are looking up for me and improving. I started this post a week ago and one of the good things is crashing into a bad thing.

Three Radio Tests
On Thursday of two weeks ago I took a radio test. It was for a General Radiotelephone Operator license (GROL) with ship radar endorsement. I took it because it was recommended to me by people in LA where I volunteer. It could help me when I apply for jobs.

If you want to see what type of questions are on the test, take a look at one of these practice FCC license tests. I took elements 1, 3, and 8, which had a total of 174 multiple choice questions. The material covered basic electrical concepts, radio protocol on the high seas, distress communications, international communication systems, microprocessor concepts, practical electrical circuits, aircraft operations, radar equipment design, radar operation, and a bunch of rules.

After teaching a class on amateur radio, getting a degree in physics, and working on a degree in electrical engineering, I had a lot of exposure to many relevant topics. However, I can be proud that I taught myself everything else I needed to know in a month and a half. There are people who take classes just to get this license. The test proctor told me it was ambitious to try to take all three of those tests in one sitting. However, fortune favors the bold.

I think I passed the tests. They will let me know the results in a week. I used the great website nc4fb.org to learn what I needed. I am glad the test is over. For the previous month my default activity when I was in front of a computer was to take practice tests.

House Sitting
Two weekends ago I was house sitting. It was for the person I met at church who got me involved as a volunteer worker for the City of LA. It was great that I could get away from my parent's house. It was two miles away so I could easily drive home to pick up anything I needed or food I wanted.

I enjoyed watching TV and movies without interruption. No one in my house has an appreciation for watching fine television or movies. They lack not only appreciation, but also a willingness to try something different and see it to the end. While I am trying to watch something (which is not very often), my dad and brother make all kinds of noise in the kitchen, start to talk to me about non-timely and unimportant things, and have no concept that I am trying to immerse myself in someone's carefully constructed world. On Sunday I watched Natural Born Killers, which is a perfect example of a carefully constructed world that needs undivided attention to follow.

When I got home after being gone for most of four days, it felt odd. I was stepping into a world so different from what I was used to, so different from what I wanted. When I was away from my parents' house, I had time and space to think about a lot of things. It is apparent living at home is not helping me become the person I want to be.

The girl from two weeks ago
This is a update on what happened with the girl I met at a Halloween party. Two Thursdays ago I texted to ask if she wanted to go out. I suggested we could visit a museum. She texted back: "Hi Chris! Sure, lets hang sometime! Any particular museum in mind?" I replied with two possibilities, asking if she had a preference. Then the next morning I texted an update, saying one of them was closed for the weekend and suggestion a timeframe for visiting the other one. I asked what time would work for her. For the next three days, I kept compulsively checking my phone. Wondering, why has she not texted back?

That was on a Friday. Last Thursday, I called her up and left a voicemail saying I thought it would be easier to plan things with a phone call instead of texting back and forth. I reiterated I wanted to do something with her and asked her to get back to me so we could plan something. That was four days ago and there has been no response.

From when we talked in person and the text she sent me, I got the impression she wanted to get to know me better. Her lack of response makes no sense to me. I have done everything on my end. All I can do now is forget about her.

Other Things
Last week I tutored my neighbor in AP Physics. It was great. I got paid to do something that was simple for me to do. Depending on how things go, I should pursue tutoring as a side job. It was the easiest $50 I have ever made (aside from returns on a mutual fund).

I saw my friend Andrew last week. He was filling me in on his life after law school and what we should do politically after the election. We also enjoyed the Asian establishments at Diamond Jamboree.

Yesterday Frank was in town so I saw him, Dave, and Dan. We watched Skyfall, which was not as great as some of the buzz made it out to me.